You learn through it, not from it.

This is why you need support, not another masterclass.

Whoa… you know? Whoa. That’s what things feel like right now. Something has been re-wiring within me, and it seems like it isn’t just me. Everyone I’ve been talking to lately has felt this thing… like a big chasm between who they were and who they are trying to be. We are learning in record time how to alter our timelines. How to heal. How do re-do things. How to unblock.

Except there is a little… glitch in it. Like something that you can’t quite reach, touch on, understand the pattern. Every time you try to lean on it, it buckles under the slightest pressure.

We give our power away in micro moments all throughout the day and it compounds into a visible canyon that becomes harder and harder to cross. Do we hike all the way down and clear back up? Miles of uncharted terrain in the hot desert sun? Is there even water down there? Shit, I gave my power away again, did this canyon just get wider?!

Yes, it did. And no, more discipline, methods, courses, cohorts, masterclasses, mentorships are not going to get you there. Deep down, you know this already.

This is advice from someone who knows this 100%, has lived it, and I am about to tell you exactly why this isn’t working.

I did all the things, I spent thousands, I followed what the masters were saying to a “T” and nothing would budge within me. It wasn’t landing. I must have done something wrong, I must just not “have” it, I must be un-coachable, it’s my fault, no wonder no one loves me, no wonder I can’t get my shit together etc. etc.

After 10 years of anguish, frustration, anger, depression, sadness, all of it… I figured it out.

I am the type of person that learns through it, not from it.

And you may be one who has to live the experience. That’s it. That’s the key. That is the perspective shift. And this is why it feels so painful when “nothing” works and you are in a masterclass you spent $444 on for two hours and you are losing your shit because everyone else is having a world-shattering epiphany except you because the facilitator asked for your insight because they couldn’t quite weave the thread together. This has happened to me so many times. And hey, you may have even had an AHA moment but it isn’t strong enough to stick and change your life at the core of it.

And this is why others who are similar have such a hard time figuring out what they want to do, what they are here for, and what life means.

I will tell you another secret. YOU are the one who is supposed to be teaching your own lived experience to those who learn from it.

YOU are not meant to take certain masterclasses. You are meant to be in rooms that are bigger than you feel comfortable. You are meant to teach the stuff so others don’t have to go through it. And yes, that is a real thing. Because I would say through my experience about 70% of people learn from, not through. Their path is to understand the connections and choose another way that isn’t so painful. Yours may, as hard as it is, be the path that leads you through the pain so you can teach others how to avoid it.

This epiphany of mine came from decades of me trying to learn and avoid. Until I started understanding the pain the inevitable came to me- I was an avoidant at all costs. I learned so I could avoid and for my path, and so many others… this is not reality. The pain always comes. It is what we choose to do with it, what we choose to alchemize it into, and what path we build forward so others can see there is a way forward.

It isn’t lost on me that this may sound strange, but those who understand it will get it. It isn’t about waving the pain in front of ourselves saying “look what I’ve gone through I am tougher!” Even though at times I chose this because I learned that pain could possibly get me the love I hoped for… a sort of martyr archetype. It worked for short periods and then it just made me feel alone because I couldn’t explain the anguish I felt, it turned others off, and it made me unapproachable. That is not what I wish to do anymore, and it is a hard practice. It is definitely a hard road to walk when all you want is someone to see you in your pain.

And as hard as this is to say… I realized I would never truly be seen for my pain until I learned that I needed to see myself through it first. Not a single soul on earth could alchemize this for me as much as I hoped someone would. It’s an exhausting endeavor. And I understand now that it is my work.

Often, we choose to help others through their pain so we can avoid our own. And often this leads to a fracture in our own spirit that becomes so wide that we can’t connect it anymore. We learn to become who everyone else needs us to be at the expense of ourselves.

A lesson I learned in this space was that if I wanted to restructure my own spirit in a way where I could be authentic, I had to stop enabling those who didn’t actually want to fix themselves and only wanted someone to do that for them. Sound familiar? I was trying to fix myself through fixing others. I don’t think anyone asked me to do that. And that is where the grief came from. That is where the understanding of myself came from. That is where I realized that I was giving my power away, hoping someone would give it back to me.

This never happened. And now, I am swimming in a shimmering pool of grief where I realized I spent most of my life trying to help others so I didn’t have to help myself. I spent every dime I had trying to buy love because that is what I learned from a young age. Money buys love, even when people treat you badly, you are supposed to just be quiet and feel warm from cold paper.

I surrounded myself with people who loved me for my money, too. It was a vicious cycle. Right now I am trying to sit on my hands without spending my money on people who can’t take care of me, or wont. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I gave my power away.

I learned through it. I could have never learned this through a class because I wouldn’t have known what it felt like in my body. I wouldn’t have known how it crushes my heart and my chest. I wouldn’t have known it cause endometriosis, hashimoto’s, and an exhaustion so deep a giant squid could live there.

For me, I know my path is loving myself enough to where I won’t outsource it. Loving myself enough that I don’t hate my postpartum body, the scars, the wrinkles. I know my path is to heal a lineage of Women who didn’t have or get the choices I got, and to love them through what they couldn’t teach me because they never had anyone to talk to or learn from themselves.

And I know my path is to teach other women who have to learn through it that they are never alone, that their path is unique and that self-love is one of the things you will have to learn to such a depth that you can reach into that well at any time and say NO.

My work is this. If you need anything, please let me know, I respond to all emails because I know we need to talk about this more.

The Women this speaks to- I’ve made The Flower Codes for you, and I make Flower Remedies for these exact strengths. Because you learn through it, not from someone else, you need structural support, not another method. Because you are here to make your own method. I’ve got you.

xx

Dani at Ghostflower Journal and curator of Flower Surgery

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